It's official, my husband and I are on two different hemispheres. People keep asking me how I am doing and what I am feeling, but I only have one word to describe it: Numb. I don't know what to feel or think, my husband is on the other side of the world getting ready to fight in a war that I have only heard/read about. It is all very surreal.
I just got back from a three week long vacation back home where I spent a lot of time with a lot of different people that I care about. We had family outings and parties, relaxing game nights on the porch, plenty of talks on the deck while watching the alpaca roam next door; I had a wonderfully relaxing time with the people that I love. Now here I am, back to an empty house with very few people that even realize I exist, let alone love me like family. Savannah and I do well with it most days, but then I have random moments when I am driving down the road, out shopping, or just getting the mail when I remember just exactly the situation I am in. I try not to do it, but who can ignore it forever? Just before I dropped Wesley back off to his training camp he said what I had been thinking for a few weeks: "I feel like I am driving myself to my own farewell." In my gut I feel like my husband is gone forever, and every time I think about it i can't help but break down. What would my life be like without my best friend and partner? How would Savannah grow up without her loving and kind father to help guide her? But then I remember I have to trust God to guide us on the path we are meant to be traveling. If Wesley is meant to come home he will. I just have to pray to God for the strength to deal with the unknown, which those that know me well know that is THE hardest thing for me to do. So that is what I will do, I will pray for Wesley daily, if not hourly, and trust that God knows what he is doing in our lives.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
One down, eleven more to go...
Today is a hard day, I am longing for my husband to be here, but the knowledge that he can't makes my heart hurt. I am trying to stay positive about it all and Savannah has been doing a wonderful job keeping me laughing, but there are some things that I just can't get from anyone other than Wesley. It is hard to believe that he has been gone for almost a month already...so I guess one month down and eleven more to go.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Self-Respect
I am so sorry it has taken this long to post again! Life has been so crazy, we moved into the house and then spend what little time we had seeing the sights and enjoying each other before Wes had to depart for training.
Sadly, Wesley is now in Indiana at training and we are missing each other so much! I am grateful to my parents for coming down here to help Savannah and I adjust to the new house and Wesley being gone, it makes me love them that much more! It doesn't, however, change the fact that Wesley and I are apart from each other once again. Poor little Savannah has had a few rough spots adjusting to all of the changes (seems like that is all she is ever doing!), but I think we finally have a routine that works for us right now.
While Wes is on his journey across the world, I have decided to start my own journey as well! It may not be quite as exciting or dangerous, but it is courageous and life-changing all the same. I have started the journey to a healthier me! A friend asked me the other day if I could sum up my reasoning for starting this journey into one word, but I found that to be very difficult. I am starting this journey for so many reasons! So what I told her was that "I am doing this to better myself and to show Savannah what it is like to lead a healthy lifestyle physically and mentally. I want to be able to show her what it is to love and respect yourself so much and to persevere even when the journey seems impossible!" Then my friend asked me the same question again, so I thought about it and finally came up with an answer: Self-Respect. I have lost my self-respect somewhere along the way. I am not respecting the body that God gave me when I eat so many unhealthy things, nor am I respecting God Himself when I constantly judge and belittle myself. I have decided it is time to do something about it! I will respect myself enough to eat the right things and work on having the right mindset towards myself so that I can show Savannah what it truly means to love!
Sadly, Wesley is now in Indiana at training and we are missing each other so much! I am grateful to my parents for coming down here to help Savannah and I adjust to the new house and Wesley being gone, it makes me love them that much more! It doesn't, however, change the fact that Wesley and I are apart from each other once again. Poor little Savannah has had a few rough spots adjusting to all of the changes (seems like that is all she is ever doing!), but I think we finally have a routine that works for us right now.
While Wes is on his journey across the world, I have decided to start my own journey as well! It may not be quite as exciting or dangerous, but it is courageous and life-changing all the same. I have started the journey to a healthier me! A friend asked me the other day if I could sum up my reasoning for starting this journey into one word, but I found that to be very difficult. I am starting this journey for so many reasons! So what I told her was that "I am doing this to better myself and to show Savannah what it is like to lead a healthy lifestyle physically and mentally. I want to be able to show her what it is to love and respect yourself so much and to persevere even when the journey seems impossible!" Then my friend asked me the same question again, so I thought about it and finally came up with an answer: Self-Respect. I have lost my self-respect somewhere along the way. I am not respecting the body that God gave me when I eat so many unhealthy things, nor am I respecting God Himself when I constantly judge and belittle myself. I have decided it is time to do something about it! I will respect myself enough to eat the right things and work on having the right mindset towards myself so that I can show Savannah what it truly means to love!
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
A Whole New Direction
This last Friday marked a long await milestone in our life: we became first time homeowners! Wesley and I have been dreaming of owning our own home since before we were married. We have looked at buying a home many times over the years but it just never seemed to be the right time financially or circumstantially. However, with this move everything seemed to fall into place, we are now financially stable enough to afford a house and since we are at a new base and will be here for a few years, it is worth putting down roots. We are both extremely excited to have a place that is officially OURS! (Pictures to follow once we actually get moved in).
This exciting news has been tainted, however. Two days before we closed on the house Wesley was informed that, in just a few short weeks, he will be leaving for a year-long deployment. What a blow to our emotional high! While I love the thought of owning a home, I dread the thought that Wes will not be here to share it with Savannah and I. There are so many things that are going through my head, good and bad, about this news. I know that Wesley is excited to have the privilege of witnessing and documenting monumental world-wide change, but at the same time he won't be here to witness and document the monumental changes in our wonderful daughter that we prayed so long for. He won't be here to see her first steps or hear her first words. He won't be here to share in the excitement of her first birthday. I suddenly find myself in a situation I knew COULD happen, but never expected this soon or for as long: I will be a single mother to Savannah for the next year or more.
My life has turned in a whole new direction that will put me so far out of my comfort zone! For those of you that know me very well, you know that I do not deal well with the unknown. I know that I can do this, it just scares the living daylights out of me to think that I will be the soul person that shapes and forms my daughter in one of the most critical times of her life. I don't want her to become like me, I need Wesley here to help balance my faults (which are many). I need him to show Savannah what it is like to be goofy, not just prim and proper. I want him to sing to her is such an off-key way that it is hard to for anyone not to listen because they know that it is straight from his heart. I want my daughter to be able to walk into her daddy's arms with her first steps and smile up at him with such a sense of confidence! But alas, she is stuck with me.
I love my daughter, she is such a joy in my life! I want nothing but the best for her. So I make a promise now to try my best to make sure, over the next year or more, to keep her daddy as much a part of everyday life as possible. She will know who her daddy is!
This exciting news has been tainted, however. Two days before we closed on the house Wesley was informed that, in just a few short weeks, he will be leaving for a year-long deployment. What a blow to our emotional high! While I love the thought of owning a home, I dread the thought that Wes will not be here to share it with Savannah and I. There are so many things that are going through my head, good and bad, about this news. I know that Wesley is excited to have the privilege of witnessing and documenting monumental world-wide change, but at the same time he won't be here to witness and document the monumental changes in our wonderful daughter that we prayed so long for. He won't be here to see her first steps or hear her first words. He won't be here to share in the excitement of her first birthday. I suddenly find myself in a situation I knew COULD happen, but never expected this soon or for as long: I will be a single mother to Savannah for the next year or more.
My life has turned in a whole new direction that will put me so far out of my comfort zone! For those of you that know me very well, you know that I do not deal well with the unknown. I know that I can do this, it just scares the living daylights out of me to think that I will be the soul person that shapes and forms my daughter in one of the most critical times of her life. I don't want her to become like me, I need Wesley here to help balance my faults (which are many). I need him to show Savannah what it is like to be goofy, not just prim and proper. I want him to sing to her is such an off-key way that it is hard to for anyone not to listen because they know that it is straight from his heart. I want my daughter to be able to walk into her daddy's arms with her first steps and smile up at him with such a sense of confidence! But alas, she is stuck with me.
I love my daughter, she is such a joy in my life! I want nothing but the best for her. So I make a promise now to try my best to make sure, over the next year or more, to keep her daddy as much a part of everyday life as possible. She will know who her daddy is!
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Fairytale Life
With Valentine's Day right around the corner I have love on the brain...I can't believe that I have known my husband for over 6 years now! I never would have guessed that I would meet, fall in love with, and become engaged to the man of my dreams in 4 months time, then married a year later. But I did! And now here I am, even more in love with him today than I have ever been. Because of him I have the most amazing little girl a woman could ask for, we are about to own our first home together, and we are the "parents" of the two cutest and best behaved puppies ever!
I never thought that I would end up where I am right now, I dreamed of becoming an amazing teacher to classroom after classroom of first-graders, with me as their favorite teacher that they would remember for years to come and eventually want to model their lives after. I dreamed of marrying a rich man that would give me everything I want and then some. I dreamed of a man that bought me flowers all the time and wrote me love poems. I dreamed of a fairytale life with a fairytale man. Instead what I got is a life-long teaching job to the most wonderful little girl whom I will shape and mold, I married a man rich with family instincts that gives me everything that I need emotionally and physically that buys me groceries, a man that writes a legacy on my daughter's heart forever. The more I think about the life I have been given, the more my dreams of the past seem like a nightmare because they didn't include this wonderful man I have, I am living my fairytale life with a fairytale man!
I never thought that I would end up where I am right now, I dreamed of becoming an amazing teacher to classroom after classroom of first-graders, with me as their favorite teacher that they would remember for years to come and eventually want to model their lives after. I dreamed of marrying a rich man that would give me everything I want and then some. I dreamed of a man that bought me flowers all the time and wrote me love poems. I dreamed of a fairytale life with a fairytale man. Instead what I got is a life-long teaching job to the most wonderful little girl whom I will shape and mold, I married a man rich with family instincts that gives me everything that I need emotionally and physically that buys me groceries, a man that writes a legacy on my daughter's heart forever. The more I think about the life I have been given, the more my dreams of the past seem like a nightmare because they didn't include this wonderful man I have, I am living my fairytale life with a fairytale man!
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